To be totally honest.....

**Please know that this blog is NOT a pity party...it is just me being honest**


Ok, so as some people may have noticed, it has been a good while since I have sat down and posted anything to this blog.  I would like to say it is because we don't have internet, electricity--or because I have become quite the Betty Crocker and have been cooking everything under the sun.  Or that I have been studying Spanish--this should be my excuse--or since I have become so fluent, I am talking with everyone under the sun. Or, or, or.......

But....it's not.  And to be totally honest....I just don't feel like it.

It is not because I don't want to write updates about everything that is happening to us, I do, but 99% of the time, I am too tired, or it is too late, or I forgot to finish my homework, or I have a 2 hour presentation in Spanish due in Language on the controversy of cochlear implants on children in the Deaf community (yeah, I did ok on that).....or, or, or.....

To be honest....I am exhausted, tired, and in turn, I have been having problems with depression and anxiety.  Not to the point of anything serious, just "not feeling like it".  I have become anxious about school, and being able to have a decent understanding of the language enough to do the Lord's work with the people of Costa Rica; I have been anxious about leading teams in the future at the Abraham Project; I have been anxious about working with everyone at the AP; I have been anxious about all of the missionaries and friends that I know here in Costa Rica leaving the AP; I am anxious about all of our fellow students that will be leaving to go to their respective countries; I am anxious about how much I have been tired and therefore yelling more at my kids; I have been anxious about the fact that Leyton is starting to regress again in his potty training; I am anxious if that is my fault because I have been so tired and therefore not giving him the proper amount of attention; I am anxious about going back to the US with the kids--hoping that we all want to come back to Costa Rica; I am anxious about our time there--many areas of this one; I am anxious about future funds, supporters, and the length of our times here; I am anxious about being anxious......

  And many times, I feel alone.....

I have preached about how awesome it is to have technology--it is--but sometimes there is nothing better than face to face contact and to be able to touch, hug and even kiss the people that mean so much to you.  I have learned that I am a horrible friend.... (not in a bad way), but it takes a lot to keep up with friends and to keep a friendship.  In the past, I was very passive about friendships, because they were always there.  You would see them whenever you wanted to, and it was always talking face to face.  I have never been one to talk on the phone or to send emails or text messages in return, but now, when you don't see those people everyday, week or whenever you want, you start to feel...alone, separated, left out and a million other emotions.  You don't get to catch up with people except superficially through Facebook, etc.  I know just about everything that is happening in all of my friends' lives, but sometimes that's all it is.

And so I have come to realize--I am a horrible friend. The hardest part of this whole process has been trying to keep friendships afloat.  I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to receive a phone call from a person who is actually someone who I have become better friends with after I moved away.  That one friendship has meant so much to me.  She takes time to think of me and call me as she is at work, leaving work, or at home with her family.  We talk about nothing and everything all at the same time.  And for this friend, I have realized that I need to be more invested in my friends.  This does not come easy for me and God knows I need a lot of practice.

So to all of my friends out there, I am sorry.  I am sorry for not being invested in our friendship.  I am sorry for not taking the time to make an effort to call, write, or make any effort to know what is going on in your lives--instead of sitting back feeling alone. 

After saying all of this, I am so thankful to being going through all of this with my husband.  God has given me, not a perfect man, but the perfect one for me.  And for that I am so grateful.  He is always there for me, but even he knows that sometimes women need someone else to share feelings with, to cry with, or just to have girl time with.  I am so thankful that he understands that and allows me time to do just that.  I think this whole feeling of loneliness has been hard for both of us.  And although other missionaries told us that we would feel this at some point, I don't think either of us felt that it would be this hard.  We knew we would feel this, and we were warned it would happen.  But only 9 months into it, and we have both been taken aback by HOW hard it has been.

Living in about a 522 sq foot upstairs apartment with two kids and no yard, makes for pretty tight living quarters and sometimes it is so small, you get on your own nerves--add 3 other people to that and you have our house.  The kids have done great with the small space and they love it and have adapted well, calling it our tree house!  But Bruce and I, on the other hand, have not.  We love the house, and we have definitely made it our home.  But when you have no where to go to have time to yourself, or quiet time without hearing everything that is happening in the living room, kitchen, bathroom and kids room all at the same time--it starts to make you a little overstimulated.  And if you have any idea what happens when people are overstimulated in a small confined space--and now with rainy season starting again--this house and family are going to implode......IF we don't do something about it--NOW!!

So I have started running.  This has been my outlet, my me time.  I remember my friends would always say it was their time to think about nothing...it's true.  All of my anxieties, worries, depression, school work, potty training issues, motherhood issues are moved away from my mind--not forgotten--just moved back, and I only have to worry about the music, the road, the cars, the street dogs and the piles of poop, I only have to focus on not killing myself or turning my ankle in one of the many holes in the street or sidewalk.  It has been a nice stress reliever and I try to make time for it everyday if not every other day.  I am hoping this will help with all of the anxiety and depression.

I have also found a neat blog to help with the yelling issues I have developed over the past few months--just pick any one of the life changes that has happened that could be causing the stress of this....
 
The Orange Rhino Challenge


I have made a promise to not yell at my kids for a week.  She starts with a year, but I need to do just a week at first. I read the blog entitled, "One truth about asking for help".  Which is exactly what I have been feeling lately.  I felt like I was writing that blog and hence the reason for this blog.

I needed to be honest with myself about everything that is going on in our lives (which by the way this is not everything)--going on in my life and the reason why I have been so disconnected.  I feel sometimes that I am barely hanging on and barely keeping myself, my children and my family afloat.  I feel like I am just making it through the day to go to bed and get up and do it all over again. 

This is not the life that God has given to me.  This is not how I will feel about being a daughter of the King.  And I will not let all my inequities get the best of me.  So, above all, I ask that you pray for me, Bruce, our family and the trials and tribulations that we are all going through.  I pray for wisdom and patience and the ability to "not yell" at my kids so that I don't see the fear in their eyes when I yell, or the break in their spirit when they make a mistake and I yell at them.  I don't want that to be who I am to them or feel what I feel when I see their eyes. I don't want this for them and I don't want this for me--I refuse to continue this downward spiral.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to me, Bruce or the kids when we talk about our life here in Costa Rica.  We do not complain about it, we just need to express what we are experiencing everyday.  We do not dislike it here, we love it here.  But with learning another language, culture and way of living, comes stress.  We know that God is with us through all of this and He will never leave us nor forsake us.  It is just sometimes He feels further away when there are lots of little things happening that steal your joy....But I know He will complete this good work that He has planned for me and for my family.

Thanks for all your support and prayers.

Proverbs 15:1 is my new mantra.....